Checking back in

Apologies for the period of silence, I've had tasks and situations rising up all around me for the last week! It all led to me having an interview with Deloitte yesterday for a graduate position in Internal Auditing. It is Sod's Law that this opportunity arose at a time that I was in the middle of a personal crisis! We're talking about the biggest accountancy firm in the world here, they look for confidence and swagger in their graduates. I have ZERO confidence right now, I don't have a high opinion of myself and I don't see any qualities in myself that would be desirable by others. That being said I walked in to that office at 9am yesterday with my chest out, shoulders back and with swagger in my step! I talked the talk and walked the walk, we'll see if I make it through to the final round of the selection process. It would be a huge confidence boost if I make it and could be just what I need.

Now back to the topic of the blog, my ex girlfriend and how I'm dealing with her leaving me. In my last post I gave you all the impression that I was definitely on the mend and things were looking up....Those comments were most definitely premature. I returned to London for the first time since she left me on tuesday and I passed Leicester Square, where she works. Out of no where the biggest lump formed in my throat and my eyes began watering rapidly. I couldn't believe it, I was on a crowded train in the centre of the city and I was on the brink of breaking down. I swallowed hard and started breathing controlled breaths, trying to regain composure. Upon return to my family home I sat down in front of the computer to continue interview preparation, but she was in my head now and I began to feel languid. "What's the point? Even if I get the job she still won't be around, I'll still be the same bum I was before". All my enthusiasm had been sapped and I was close to not being bothered about the most important day of my life to date. 3 weeks it's been since she ditched me and I've not made any progress, not deep down under the surface. One reminder of her and I'm back to being close to breaking down! It's pathetic. I managed to get my mind right and get re-focused on my interview prep, but surprise-bloody-surprise; she decided to text me after 3 weeks of silence, the night BEFORE my big interview!!! You can't script such coincidences.

"Hey, how are you? Just wondering when you sent my dvd back because I haven't got it yet..."

I was infuriated that after 3 weeks, all she was texting me about was her bloody dvds!?! I don't mean to curse, but she's being a bitch. I decided not to act moody and angry, instead taking the high-road and acting like she doesn't phase me anymore. I apologised to her for the delay in sending her dvd back, explaining I'd been rushed off my feet and I'll send it as soon as I get back to my university, assuring her that she knows I'm not a thief.

"I know you're not a thief. I was just wondering. You sure you don't want your house keys back?"

I'd told her the last time I spoke to her to throw them away, I was quite emphatic about that point! Why had she kept them? And why was she prolonging the conversation? I didn't like it, I no longer wanted to speak to her. "No, it's been sorted. Cheers" I replied, extremely concise leaving her with no way to reply. Once she receives her dvd, if she tries to contact me again I'll request that she deletes my number and doesn't contact me again, she should have got the message after I deleted her on facebook. I know what she's thinking. "He's mad now, he hates me. But once he's over it we can go back to being friends, he's the most reliable person in my life and without him I have no other chumps to take advantage of"....Never again. I listened to "One Day in Your Life" by Michael Jackson the other day and what he was singing about is absolutely right; Maybe not today or this year, but one day she is going to miss me and remember the love we used to share. Was I too nice? Yes of course I was and that was silly of me, but she'll struggle to find another man who will a) Love her as much as I did, b) Stick with her regardless of her intolerable personality. Maybe she realises this already, hence why she using an old Ace Ventura 2 dvd (which she could replace for £2-£3) as an excuse to contact me? Who knows, either way I'm not letting her back in to my life in any capacity. Am I better without her in my life? No I'm not, I'm a mess and a broken man. But I'm convinced that the experience that I'm going through right now is important for me and will make me stronger in the long run. It's horrible and depressing, but it's made me more determined than ever to NEVER let this happen to me again. Of course I'll be disappointed by women in the future, but not as badly as this. No more opening up, no more trust, and God help the next woman who tries to discuss "future plans" with me. Men, they're not to be trusted, I don't care how long you've known them. They're not decisive, they notoriously go back on their decisions, they're amazing actors (they have the ability to convince you that you're their world one day, and then walk away from you the next day) and they simply don't know what they want. My dad always tells me that when you meet "the one" you'll know straight away....well, unitl I feel that feeling I'm being emotionally distant from any female who comes across my path from now on.

23AH