23 and Heartbroken.....

I must be the biggest chump in the history of the male sex. She's ended it with me, for the 2^nd time in under a year. I have yet to cry but I know this is immanent; my heart has been beating irregularly since I got off the phone to her, as if in shell-shock. I hurt a girl once 5 years ago, and though I have been hurt since I believe I am now fully experiencing what she went through. Karma is a bitch, and I am feeling it's full force right now.

I love her, wholly and truly. I can honestly say I gave this relationship my best shot, I did everything in my power to please her but it was never enough. I was never Adrian; the scum who deflowered her and always had a bigger grip on her heart than me. “You're too nice” she said, basically that I'm not man enough for her. She's feisty and longs for an alpha male, and that's just not me. I opened up to this woman, laid myself bare, and I wasn't good enough. This has been the same scenario with every girl I've developed feelings for, my confidence as of this day is non-existent.

“plenty more fish in the sea” doesn't apply here – no other girl will do. I want her :( she's fallen out of love with me....I've lost her. I've got over girls in the past, developed the hatred and all that jazz, but I feel right now that I'll never fully get over this blow. It's hit me hard, too hard for me to bare. Why does every girl I fall for leave me? They stay for a while, before eventually seeing something they don't like and leaving. I'm completely crushed. I will grow to hate this girl one day, beyond belief. But that seems miles away right now.

I wrote this down today because I never want to forget how this woman has made me feel. I will never leave myself open like this to a woman, not even if Beyonce came knocking tomorrow. Good guys always finish last, and unfortunately I am a good guy. I dabbled in the casual-sex lifestyle before getting together with this woman, but I never had the heart for it and never will. But I clearly am not cut out for relationships, so I guess I'm in limbo. So here I am, 23 years old with a broken heart and no self-esteem. Where do I go from here? This blog is a way for me to release my pain anger and frustrations, and ultimately document my road to recovery. It seems like 100 miles long so I have plenty of time to ponder, might as well write it down. I'll detail the relationship in the coming posts, how beautiful it was and how dramatically it came crashing down. As for now I am off to drink alcohol and cry myself to sleep.

23AH