The Call

2 days after she ditched me and I believe the worst of the pain is over (I hope....). Don't get me wrong, I'm still miserable and bereft of confidence and self-esteem, but I can honestly say that I just feel numb now. Sunday and Monday saw me in a state you'd associate with a person who'd lost a family member, so much so that I'm exhausted at this point in time. She's made no further attempt to contact me and why would she? I mean nothing to her. I'm close to accepting that she's gone and that chapter in my life is over, but I can't fully let go right now. Through my blabbering in the other posts I haven't written down what actually happened, I'm hoping that writing it down will help me see her for what she really was. So here it goes......

Things with her had been perfect the whole of this year, arguments were non-existent and we declared our love for each other whenever we got a chance. Spoke for hours, saw each other every week and were eagerly making future plans. All this changed however on Thursday 2nd June; She had a free house for two weeks and insisted I go stay with her. The first 4 days were brilliant, but things quickly went down hill from there; She's not a morning person, but also gets moody in the evening when she's tired. At those times she was a pain to be around, but because I love her I didn't let it bother me too much. Then the moaning started.....this woman moans about every little thing! I couldn't do anything right, just a constant barrage of bitching. I remember walking into the living room in the morning with a bowl of cereal, sitting down and having 1 spoonful - She started complaining about the way I chew (I've since asked close friends and family if I chew annoyingly and they all say it's nonsense). I pick my battles in everything, I will never engage in confrontation over silly issues because it's a waste of my energy and time. So I let her have her moaning and bitching fits without kicking up a fuss back. It got to the point where I was counting the days until I could leave, I couldn't deal with any more bullshit. The night before I left (Saturday 11th June) we'd had a few drinks in the evening and I was honest with her; "This experience has been an eye-opener. You moan and complain about everything! But I love you no less" I said to her. "When I tell you off you don't do anything, and it ends up making me feel bad" she replied. She had a look on her face and tone in her voice that was off-key, I picked up on it at the time but put it down to her usual moodiness in the evening. So I left on Sunday 12th June, and so began her week of ignoring me and being cold.

Let me make things clear; She annoyed the hell out of me when I lived with her those 10 days, as I'm sure I annoyed her. But I didn't start questioning our relationship because of it! I just thought we started living with each other too soon.....She didn't see it that way, those 10 days killed us.....Correction, they killed me. "Living together showed that we really don't make a good couple", she said on the phone this past Sunday. I was rocked, felt like I'd been knifed in the chest. I couldn't disagree with her more, but the conviction in her voice was unwavering. "I think we're better than friends". Another knife wound. I reminded her that she came running back to me after her first ditching of me and assured me I'm her future. "I didn't want to go through life wondering what we would have been like together, I had to give us a proper try". 2 more knife wounds. She came back to me out of curiosity, I was like a damn experiment. All those confessions of love she gave to me (and she gave them at least twice as much as me) was bullsh*t. "I'm a b*tch, I warned you when we got together. And you're nice, too nice. You never told me off". More stabbings, I was breathing air but it felt like I was choking at that point. She used to tell me about the huge arguments she had with her ex which bordered violence, and how happy she didn't have that with me. Now all of a sudden it's a drawback. Women are a god-damn paradox, they don't know what the hell they want. "I just don't have the energy for a relationship, I'm not over my last one and it will be a long time before I am". She was literally rolling out the reasons at this point, within 5 minutes she destroyed me. I don't know where it came from but I lashed out, not in anger but more from giving her my honest opinion that I'd never told her:

"I know I'm not perfect, but I wear my heart on my sleeve - what you see is what you get, and people generally respect me for it. You take pride in being like an alpha male, tell it like it is, a straight-talker and all that....It's a front and it's bullsh*t. Deep down you're just an insecure little girl, and you deal with problems in life as such. I may not tell you off over silly sh*t, but I'm stronger than you."

It hurt her, I could tell. Surprisingly I got no satisfaction out of it, because it was a drop in the ocean compared to what she'd inflicted on me. The way she ended it with me is brutal, she basically said she didn't love me and she was just curious. She's one of those women who take kindness for weakness, and if her ex-boyfriend is what she believes to be a man then good luck to her: Yeah he's alpha but he's 30 working in a coffee shop, bailiffs are chasing him all over Kent for unpaid bills, has 2 kids from a prior relationship that he can barely support. In fact when she was with him she used to help take HIS kids out for food! He borrowed over £2000 from her, stole from her....the list goes on. That's who she compares men to? That's who is supposedly more of a man than me because he "told her off"? F*ck him and Motherf*ck her. She used to label me a misogynist....Well, if she's a reflection of what the modern day 23 year old woman is then F*ck them all as well.

Assessing what I just spewed out, I come to the conclusion that I was the complete opposite to her ex ("Duh!"). Because of this I was seen as a safe option (something many women take with us nice guys), Mr. Reliable who will help build their self-esteem and confidence back up. When they have both back, then they ditch us and go back to their beloved bad-boy alphas. I officially now have no sympathy for women who get hurt by these bad boys, in fact I hope it crushes all of them as much as I feel now. Maybe it will teach them something! I was always warned by my older brother that women only want men like us when they're 25+, when that biological clock of theirs starts ticking louder and they realise they're running out of time. No woman, I don't care if they're a model, will make me feel this worthless again! And when I eventually heal from this, I will show no remorse with any of them in future encounters. If they like bastard men, I'll be the biggest one since Lothario if that's what it takes to protect myself. Of course that's miles away, that requires confidence self-esteem and courage, all of which were crushed in me on June 19th. Until next time

23AH